Trying for a better life

PROLOGUE:

The following is a draft I had sitting here the week I was laid off my job that i’ve had for five years….i find it odd that I could sense motion here and it’s interesting to read back on what my thoughts were and how they’ve changed in the three months since being laid off and realizing my decisions are more complex than I ever imagined…

Draft from march 3rd:

I have been in New York for about 7 years now - I’ve lived here longer than I lived anywhere else as an adult, which is Baltimore and my parent’s home in Maryland. But I’m finding it so restrictive as of late. I am so stagnant because I can’t afford the life I want.

I want to make a movie. I just watched Anora sweep the oscars and it’s indie dreamy production style really inspired me again, well that as well as watching this other totally independent film Mikey is in called All Souls that had Geazy in it??

Do I need to move out of New York to finally put my money toward a short film of sorts or something creative so that I can feel alive? It almost feels like such…

And that’s all I wrote…

at this time I assume I was going to say it’s a paradox that this city was known for Bohemia and being creative hub and now it’s no longer affordable enough for real art to prosper - a sentiment I’ve echoed redundantly for a while now.

On the other side I may have been about to say it feels like a failure, a personal one because I made it this far and overcame so much to be here and I feel I’m giving up due to capitalism.

But now, my current view is pretty different. I fully spent three months applying to so many jobs trying every night, for the most part to put positive energy out, job applications, new cover letters, using AI, automated applications, talking and networking and I’ve come up short.

Don’t think I’m a failure though, in this incredibly tough market I’ve had about 4 interview sessions, and was a very close second choice at two of those positions. I didn’t get them though.

but as my 7th year year has closed — and on this full moon evening no less, I feel determined. I don’t want to leave New York. I wanted this period, probably even at my lows where I considered moving before losing my job, to be the time I really took a leap of faith and shifted my career to be more aligned with art. For me that’s the film industry and I’ve had some cheeky moments to be honest where I really thought recently that I’m meant for the industry, due to who I’ve come in contact with organically….but again coming up short still.

I guess I’ve come to the belief that I want to stay in New York, give it a last dying kick in the chest where I really find away to see out my 30s getting somehow more than a foot in the door but my whole leg somehow in film and tv. That’s the long story short, as the industry has collapsed and it’s no ways task but this post isn’t about reality. It’s about me wanting to stay here for my dreams and how I still see this place as more home than other places I’ve been. I don’t want to give up on the optimism.

Of course if I do not figure out a scenario where I’m able to pay my bills here I will move back to Maryland for a period. Every says that’s fine and not a reflection of my capability but you have to understand that while I can give into fate — I moved here against all odds with such little support and just my own grit and belief in myself solely, so losing it just because I’m honestly afraid to work harder would be a huge let down. No I wouldn’t be a bad person for needing help and accepting it, but I don’t want that narrative.

I don’t think my story in New York is over. So I work let it be over. I hope that this has awakened some new fire that’s maybe not grown to full flame yet, something that pushes me to be less comfortable, less entitled and more proactive and creative. If that’s what I wanted the whole time it must be me inside me.

so I’m trying to get a better life in New York, and that’s not about giving up for money and comfort, that’s not about getting a better apartment or instantly winning a huge role, it’s about a better outlook on the possibilities here and that I’ve already grown seedlings of - I will sprout more because it’s that or freeze.